by John Raven
Content Warning
Contains gore and accidental suicide.
“Hello, this is Jan. Are you calling about the open mic tonight?”
“Yes! Hi Jan, this is Maddie. I have a magic act I would like to perform. It’s just one trick, actually.”
“Magic? Did I hear you right?”
“…Y-yeah, is that okay? I’ve heard the venue is small but—”
“Oh yeah, magic would be great! There has only been one other magic act at the Honeymoon since I’ve been hosting the open mic – an eleven year-old girl pulled a rabbit out of a hat… with the help of her father. It was really cute. We’d love to have you perform magic tonight! Are you okay with going first? I think it would really set into motion the rest of the night if you went first.”
“I’m so glad to hear it, Jan! I’m excited about tonight because it is my first date with a guy I met the other week. I really hope to impress him. Oh, and I love that rabbit out of a hat trick by the way. Love it. Actually, my trick is in the same lineage of magic!”
“Okay then! You’re up first Maddie—”
“Please!” Maddie interrupts. “Excuse me, p-please introduce me as ‘Madame Mortem,’ that is my stage name. It is important that I’m introduced that way.”
“Not a problem. ’Madame Mortem’, how macabre. Are you going to pull a dead rabbit out of a hat?” Jan chuckles. “No, no, pardon my question, I don’t mean to be rude. But I am so curious. Do you mind me asking what your act will be?”
Maddie breaths heavily into the line for a long moment, then, “I am going to be cut into pieces.”
Jan is standing with a mic in hand next to a coffin-like box raised on a table with a large executioner style ax and a guillotine off to the side. Sitting atop the box is a watermelon.
“Welcome everyone. What a great turnout tonight.” Jan looks around the room sincerely, many familiar faces, friends and regular performers are scattered about the room. “Tonight we have a special guest. I’m really pleased to introduce, for her first time at the Honeymoon, performing the original act of magic, ‘Assisted Suicide,’ give a warm welcome to Madame Mortem!”
Maddie, sitting with her date at the bar, gives him a long look, holding his hand, then with a squeeze and a wink gets up and walks to her coffin. With her back to the audience she slowly walks around the coffin, gliding her fingertips over the wood grains, rehearsing the act in her mind, weighing the channel where the guillotine blade will pass through, severing her body in two.
Maddie continues her slow walk to the executioner ax, nearly as tall and heavy as she. Without signal, Maddie wields the ax and aggressively spins around cleaving the watermelon, burying the blade deep into the coffin beneath the fruit. Bits of fruit explode across the room, spraying the nearest spectators with flesh and juice, liquid dripping through the coffin and onto the floor. Madame Mortem has primed the audience for the act to come. Some spectators look shook, glancing around for other looks of disapproval. Others are transfixed by the intensity of Madame Mortem.
Maddie lets go of the handle. Leaving the head stuck in the coffin she takes a step toward the audience. “You.” She points to a strong looking man leaning cooly against the wall. “Please, come remove the ax for me and return it to its stand. I want everyone to know how real these props are. I want you all to believe the illusion. I want to suspend your belief, to fear for my life.”
The man hesitates, looking around at those nearest him. Many shrug and a giggling couple urge him to participate; clearly they are enjoying the spectacle.
“I am Madame Mortem. You are all about to witness the impossible.” While Maddie is speaking, the man makes his way to the ax and tries to pry it from the wooden coffin.
Maddie continues. “I need a volunteer! A willing and capable volunteer. No, not a volunteer. It is an assistant that I truly need, for this magic cannot be done alone.” Maddie looks grave for a few moments, then a wry smile grows along the edge of her mouth as she winks to Jan, who is enraptured by the performance.
A few people raise their hands, their faces are hard and focused on Madame Mortem. Maddie already knows who she is going to choose. She scans the room, building anticipation as she examines the volunteers.
Maddie lifts her hand, points directly to her date. “You,” she says in a slow, deliberate, and sensual tone. He laughs nervously, shrugs his shoulders and joins Maddie. Meanwhile the strong man is holding his left foot against the coffin for leverage and rotates the handle forward as he pries the ax from the wood with a loud creak, clearly exerting significant effort in the process. He tosses his shoulders back as he hefts the ax into his dominant hand, examining the blade and shattered wood skeptically as he hangs the ax.
“Thank you for retrieving the ax for me. Did you find it to be a convincing prop?”
“It is no prop. The ax is as real and dangerous as an ax can be,” the man said gravely. With a slight shake of his head and a soft laugh he returned to his place on the wall, quietly giving nods of conviction to those questioning him.
Madame Mortem followed the man with her eyes. Pausing for a moment after he resumed his place in the crowd. Then she takes off her large overcoat exposing her legs, midsection, arms and neck. She tosses the coat on the floor behind the ax and climbs into the box, speaking loudly as she does.
“My lovely assistant here is going to cut me into pieces. Once in the midsection, here,” she motions to the space in the coffin where a blade can pass through, “and a second time here.” pantomiming toward her neck.
Now to her date she speaks. “I need you to be firm with the blade. Can I trust you to do that? I see you have muscles enough to easily do the job. Will you use them now as my trustworthy assistant?” She says this loud enough to be heard by all in the room, though she is earnestly asking him. This is the most intimate moment of their date, and she needs him to feel it too.
“I, ugh, I mean I’m not sure what you expect me to do. I’ve never seen this trick done, and I’ve not practiced anything like this before,” he stammers, loud enough just for Madame Mortem and a few nearby audience members – the ones who are wet and sticky from the watermelon flesh.
Madame Mortem reaches out to hold his hand. “Leave the magic up to me, love. I just need you to be swift and firm. Can you do that? Will you do that?”
Her gesture and soothing words seem to have affected him. With a deep breath and a shaky laughing exhale, “Well, yes, I will do that for you. You take care of the magic, and I’ll be the muscle.” Nervous laughter from the crowd. A few women in the back are ecstatic and give a loud cheer.
Then from the bartender, “You go bitch! Get it.”
Now the whole room is an uproar of laughter and applause. The tension is growing as Madame Mortem secures herself into the coffin.
“Now! Place the guillotine here over my midsection, along this gap!” Maddie is ecstatic, she has never performed this trick and is not even sure how the mechanics work but she has deep faith and has watched hours of Sawing a Woman in Half archival footage in preparation.
It takes him about a minute to get the guillotine in place. Beads of sweat are forming on his brow, from the nerves and from the sheer weight of the blade. “Oh my god this is seriously heavy! Wow! Okay, I’m pretty fucking nervous right now, I’ve got to be honest. So you’ve got the magic part right?” he says maniacally.
“Trust me! I have the magic, you have the blade and the power. I give you permission to cleave me in two. Remember, do not hesitate! If you feel resistance, push harder!” She is screaming now. “Cleave me in two! Now! Go now!”
He lifts the blade high, straining under the weight of the iron raised above his head. Eyes wide, maniacal and afraid, he has become an animal.
“Do it now!” she screams at him, terror spilling from her core into the hearts of all who are present.
He drives the blade down. His aim was a little off and cuts through an edge of the coffin. No matter, for the weight of the blade was enough to smash through the wood and rip into her. Despite his strength, the force was not enough to be a clean sever. Instead the leading edge stopped part way through her lumbar.
Madame Mortem is clenching her hands and teeth, gritting and convulsing. “Do it again, the blade is st-s-stuck on my spine! Lift and drive it again, my lovely assistant.” Her voice is clearly weaker than before. Still, she manages to glance up at Jan and give a friendly wink and a nod. Jan catches this gesture and returns a nervous two thumbs up.
Maddie’s date is in an obedient trance and can manage nothing but docility toward the master magician. He gives a primal yell, raises the dripping red blade and throws it down through her midsection, sinking the leading edge into the floor.
The watermelon splattered audience is now wet with Madame Mortems fresh blood. They are in shock, not certain what is happening. Frantically they’re shifting their attention between the splatter, each other’s faces, and the pool forming under Madame Mortem.
For a long moment only Madame Mortem and her date can be heard breathing heavily. She then gathers her remaining strength and speaks, “Bravo! Give this lovely man a round of applause!”
The bartender and the three ladies in the back are the first to erupt in hoots and clapping. Some more join in, though there is much reservation in the room. Many hushed conversations are questioning if this is a magic trick. It seems so real. Miraculously Madame Mortem is doing well enough to continue, so belief has been suspended for all.
“But wait, darling. I need you to split me one more time. Can I trust you to finish what you started?” Maddie says with a clear pleading in her voice. She turns to the audience, “How about it, let’s give this beautiful man all the support in the world!”
“Oh fuck… I mean, shit… Yeah, I can do that. You do the magic part, I’ll do the muscle part. You do the magic, I do the muscle. Your magic, my muscle. Just magic and muscle, magic muscle…” He says mechanically, clearly in some sort of trance of disbelief.
Maddie laughs and turns her attention to Jan. “How are we on time, Jan?”
“You’re golden Madame, you’ve got five minutes left,” Jan says in a tone that betrays his shock.
“Good. Please, I need you my assistant, I need you to use your muscles one more time and drive the ax through my neck.”
“Wow, this is really fucked. I can’t even tell how this could be an act,” he says and he lifts the heavy ax from the stand.
With a smile to the audience Madame Mortem declares, “This is not an act, this is magic. This is my greatest act, Assisted Suicide.” Now blood is pooling up in her mouth as she tries to give the final command. Fear is ricocheting through her remaining body as she realizes how utterly confused she is. She has no idea how Sawing a Woman in Half works, and now she knows her attempt was all wrong.
Fighting this realization she decides to finish the act. Blood spurts from her mouth as she manages to form her last words. “For the final act, sever my head! Do it now!” She sustains the word ‘now’ into a horrific battle cry that is muffled with blood in her throat and her loss of breath.
He is back into the animal state, the only mindset that allows him to be the assistant she requires of him. With a long animal roar and a raised ax, the entire audience watches in disbelief as he pauses for two long breaths with muscles tense, tears welling, then releases all the fury required and cleaves her head from her body.
A short cheer from the three girls in the back punctuates the confusion in the room as Madame Mortem’s head lands with a thud.
Jan grabs the mic. “Damn, that was amazing! Alright folks, next up is Banjo Joe and the Writhing Billy Goat, be ready in five.”
John Raven (he/him) is a writer based in the Pacific Northwest who currently focuses on humor, existential themes, science fiction and magical surrealism. John currently studies Materials Engineering and Computer Science at WWU.