by Alexandra M. Lucas
White pants summon menstruation. Every person with a period knows this. Thanks to a one-night stand she’d indulged in a few weeks back, Jax’s desperation was growing by the hour. Couldn’t hurt, she shrugged as she slipped on a pair of white capris.
After knocking her bad shoulder in the process, she stumbled out the door and triple-bolted it behind her. Jax peered up at her exterior uPeek camera. Once she verified that she could see herself and her front porch on the uPeek app, she headed out.
Jax ripped another piece of paper from her windshield as she unlocked her car. Her eyes sped over the handwritten text, which read, “Dinner tonight?” She threw it in the bin with the others. When she’d shown the first few notes to the police, they’d just stared blankly at Jax like she’d brought them a dead bird as a gift. So, instead of an expensive move to another house, Jax took some precautions and got on with it on her own, as always.
Jax hadn’t started arriving late to work until recently, but it had become so frequent that no one commented on it anymore. She delivered her UI wireframe layouts on time, and that was what her boss ultimately cared about. It was all she had the energy to do, as her mom Dotti had taken to calling Jax around 2am each night, asking relevant, pressing questions, such as, “When do you think your father will be home?” and “Why don’t you marry that nice Wilkerson boy who lives across the street?” Since a heart attack had buried Jax’s father eight years ago and said Wilkerson boy was now a married, middle-aged father of six, Jax humored her aloud and privately wished the Alzheimer’s would slow down.
Before she could taste her coffee, Jax sensed a buzzing presence at her side. It felt as familiar and distressing as the bleeding gums she’d been suffering at random lately. In fact, Jax didn’t even need to turn to know that Gloria—the young, perky office administrator— was holding the last thing Jax wanted.
“Sur-PRI-ise!” Gloria sang, waving a massive white confetti monstrosity in Jax’s face. “Now I know you said you didn’t want a cake, but it’s not only you we’re celebrating today. Ever since the ruling came down from up top to have one party for all birthdays each month, we’ve been—”
As Jax tuned out, she finally sipped her coffee, checked her uPeek app again, and glanced around the crowded kitchenette. Digital Ovulation Health Solutions, the company behind the menstrual cycle tracking app Ovu-Great!, had nearly 300 people in its employ, and around 70 of them worked in Jax’s office. Save for a few programmers and designers, most were women, a fact that presented both benefits and hazards each month. Her best office-friend was Brett, an economy designer, and he met her gaze across the red tile, smirking and shaking his head. Although Jax and Brett disagreed on some things, they were united in their sentiments about Gloria.
“People, we’ve got five birthdays this April – FIVE! Can you believe it?” the office administrator chittered on as she lit five candles on the cake. Jax held back a snort when she saw that the candles were sparklers. “You all know who you are. Come on up here!”
Brett curled his hands around his mouth to amplify his voice. “Woo! Jax! Blow out your candle!”
After logging a reminder to shake Brett’s vile razz-cranberry La Croix can at lunch later, Jax stepped up for the ritual. Her mounting REM sleep deficit had almost made Jax forget that she would soon be forty. It didn’t help that a global pandemic had erased the prior five years, compelling Jax to retreat into work and overlook her mom’s symptoms until Social and Health Services got involved. Given every other burden on her back, Jax didn’t have time to feel guilty.
She watched as the candles oozed red wax onto the toothpaste-white frosting. And I don’t even get my own fucking cake, Jax griped to herself. After she blew out a sparkler, she watched the four other April birthdays step up to do the same. She recognized three of them, having worked at “DigOv,” as employees called it, for almost a decade. But one of them stuck out, as it was a face she’d never seen before.
“You know, this is a perfect time for me to introduce DigOv’s newest sound designer, Lore Rosso. Lore, everyone!” Gloria gestured toward the man Jax didn’t recognize, and he gave a brief, confident nod in reply.
There was nothing particularly unique about the new guy, but that was why Jax had noticed him. No designer logos on his clothes, no stupid flat-brim hat, and neither his pants nor his polo shirt were two sizes too small. His dark hair was clean and neatly cropped, and he was neither tall nor short, trim nor tubby. Unlike most of the men at DigOv, he wasn’t desperate to be seen or ignored.
That was, until he flicked his intense gaze over to her.
Before she could control the flush that overtook her face, Jax felt an abrupt coil of agony in her abdomen. She avoided making eye contact with anyone and took a deep breath to try to settle her stomach. But then an accompanying gurgle arose, and it was loud enough to shame Jax into bolting for the nearest restroom. Thankfully, it was a standalone stall with a fan.
Relieving herself felt like the usual pained, rapid-fire evacuation that routinely occurred during her period. But when she spread her knees apart to evaluate the severity, Jax was startled to see her inner thighs coated in blood. “The fuck?” she hissed to herself, dabbing at her freshly stained flesh with wads of toilet paper to minimal effect.
That was when she saw what had caused the surprise bathroom deluge. There, amidst the otherwise glittering porcelain, steeped an alarmingly large, ruby-red mass. It was so viscous that one end of it clung to the side of the bowl, floating serenely in place as if it was a new island freshly birthed from a volcano. The scents of iron and souring peaches thickened the air. A practical woman, Jax knew it had to be a menstrual clot, but never in 25-off years of having a period had she produced one the size of a fist. Until now.
Still seated on the grisly toilet, Jax removed her white capris and held them up to the fluorescent light. A dark crimson Rorschach blot coated both the front and back of the crotch. With a sigh, she studied it further, eventually conceding that it looked a bit like a preening butterfly.
White pants. Every time.
A few days later, at her appointment to ensure she wasn’t, in fact, dying, Jax’s GP encouraged her to keep a journal to document her early-onset perimenopause. “It’s not so bad. They’re calling it ‘cougar puberty’ these days,” Dr. Edil informed her with a chuckle, far more delighted by the phrase than Jax felt was reasonable.
“I won’t be calling it that,” Jax said.
“Mmm. Irritability is a common side effect of the perimenopause transition,” Dr. Edil replied with scrunched, sympathetic eyebrows.
“Please stop looking at me like I’m a dog you’re gonna have to put down.”
The doctor raised her clipboard to attention. “Have you felt dizzy at all? Stomachaches? Heart palpitations? The hot flashes? Sleep disturbance? Stress incontinence, perhaps?”
“Um, all of the above, yeah, except for – wait, what the hell is stress incontinence?”
Dr. Edil looked down at her clipboard and circled several items with a flourish. “When you pee yourself a little while sneezing or coughing, dear.”
Jax exhaled heavily, closed her eyes, and threw her long chestnut brown hair up into a sloppy ponytail. Once again, she felt hot. “Then add that to the list, too. Oh, and bleeding gums.”
Dr. Edil scribbled on her prescription pad, ripped the sheet off, and handed it to Jax. “These are some medications to help ease the transition. Trust me, I’m done with all of the menopause. This will become a blink in your memory someday. We all get through it.”
Jax thought Dr. Edil meant a “blip” in memory, but she stayed quiet. Dotti had taught her it was rude to correct people. Plus, Jax had a habit of getting through most things, one way or another, and Dr. Edil had never done wrong by her. Maybe Jax could trust. A little.
After stopping by the pharmacy, Jax booked it to make sure she was home before sundown, changed into her finest loungewear, and parsed out her new medications for the week. She verified that she had no new alerts on her uPeek app, and then Jax opened the blank notebook Dr. Edil had given her. A whisper of hesitation paused her pen on the page, but she soon shook out her hand and started writing.
Thursday, April 11
App update deadline looming, so grinding on UI testing. Survived April office birthday party. New guy seems okay. Hasn’t gotten in my way yet.
Not pregnant from hookup last month. Think Brett’s going to ask me out soon. Unsure about new complications.
Saw Dr. Edil. Turns out I’m not dying any faster than usual. Meds to help. Wish I could ask Mom what she went through but doubt she remembers now.
Full-day hot flash. Proof of no God. If God, would be full-day orgasm instead. Day lost.
Exhausted from the effort, Jax closed the journal. She reasoned that she’d earned wine, so after downing a few ice-filled glasses of weekday rose , she stretched out onto the couch and checked her uPeek app’s video feed. There was no one in sight, so Jax relaxed a little and let herself slip into sleep with the discordant tones of The Real Housewives of Milwaukee clashing in the background. She was sound asleep when Dotti rang her again at 2am, and she snored on when another piece of paper became wedged beneath her windshield wipers.
The tapping of a fingernail on top of her large, high-res office monitor snapped Jax to attention. It took her a moment to register that she was looking up at the new guy.
“Jax—it is Jax, isn’t it?”
Something about his focused gaze and his slight Italian accent made her brain short circuit, and he seemed much taller than she remembered. She opened and closed her mouth as she pondered whether Jax was indeed her name. Even after a few long, panicked seconds, she couldn’t remember for the life of her what his name was, either, or what he did at DigOv.
“Hey… you.” To her horror, Jax found herself giving him a weird little fist pump.
She thought she saw the corners of his mouth flex upward, but his expression remained neutral. “Lore. I just sent you some UI SFX, for trying out in the next playtest. You have listened to them?”
Jax nodded and focused on navigating to his message rather than making eye contact. She soon discovered that she’d ignored his message at first because his name on the office’s communications app was “Lorenzo.”
“Uh, they didn’t come through at first, but now I see them. Yep.”
He gripped the top of her monitor and allowed himself a hint of a smile. “Good. I’ve worked in the engine before, so I can hook the files up in the latest build for you if you like.”
Everything inside Jax screamed at her to protest, to insist that she could do it herself, that it would be easier than explaining her process to someone else. But something about his fully straightened spine and the fact that he’d bothered to discuss this in person gave her pause.
Before she could decide, a sudden migraine careened against the right side of her skull. Jax sucked air through her teeth and pinched her eyes shut as the pain swept through her body. Fucking cougar puberty.
Jax had been too preoccupied to notice that Lore had left, so she was confused when he seemed to have conjured a small carton of coconut water and a plastic packet out of nowhere. When he placed the items on her desk, Jax saw that the packet was a single serving of Tylenol from the office First Aid kit. “These, they will help.”
Without another word, Lore vanished into the sea of cubicles to wherever it was that sound designers worked inside DigOv. She thought she smelled campfire smoke and cinnamon in his wake. After taking the Tylenol and chugging the coconut water, Jax breathed a little easier, and the migraine began to subside. In her more lucid state, she reasoned that Lore was just being friendly. That’s all. There was nothing more to it than the human instinct to relieve another living being in pain, surely. Whatever the cause, Jax was grateful, and she decided she didn’t mind him.
Wednesday, April 17
Hit deadlines for new update. Pat on the back to me. New guy was actually helpful.
Said yes to coffee with Brett. Turned out to be more than coffee. Will see what happens. Not sure about telling Mom yet. Don’t want her to start sending wedding invites.
Meds are reducing side effects. Haven’t produced another clot monster, but can’t assume there won’t be more.
Still getting notes, still throwing them away, still not able to catch anyone on uPeek. Not sure why I pay for it when it never captures anything. At least it’s a warning that someone’s watching. Put that on my tombstone, I guess.
Weird thing: sometimes notice new guy looking at me. Makes me feel like I’m back in my family’s cabin up north, wrapped in a blanket in front of a fire and playing board games with Mom and Dad. Was such a long time ago, but feels cozy. Almost like new guy sees everything I’m carrying and that takes some away each day. I wonder–
Jax threw down her pen and flipped the journal shut.
“Chinese or Italian?” Brett asked as he wrapped his arm around Jax’s waist and nuzzled into her bad shoulder. She winced from the pain but refrained from pulling away. A chill was just starting to linger in the late September air, so she slipped on her fleece jacket.
As the silence grew, Jax blinked and avoided looking at Brett. For a few months now, she’d been having night sweats paired with dreams of a giant, hairy creature chasing her on all fours. It always seemed to be gaining on her, so close that its claws would just slink out of the darkness right before she woke up. She’d of course withheld this from Brett, as their relationship was too new. To Jax, such intimacies seemed like more of a thing to open up about after sharing at least two years, a condo, and a Golden Retriever together.
“For dinner. Tonight. Chinese or Italian?” Brett repeated with a grin, unfazed by her distraction.
“Uh, Italian, I guess.” When Brett stared at her expectantly, she assumed it was for some kind of explanation. So, she added, “I’ve been craving tomatoes.”
He nodded, apparently satisfied. “Then tomatoes you shall have.”
Willing herself to be present, Jax pushed the beast nightmares and stalker letters into the back of her mind. Her pre-peri journaling had helped her develop more of a “gratitude habit,” as Dr. Edil insisted on calling it. Jax appreciated that her mom had a competent new caregiver and seemed to be stabilizing a bit, and she thought Brett was nice enough. But the creature kept surfacing in her mind, even when she was face down in a caprese later that night. As she chewed erasers masquerading as mozzarella and pretended to listen to Brett’s valiant lacrosse stories, Jax wondered if the beast would ever catch her, and if she could resist its claws if it did.
When Jax’s phone went off around 2am, she wasn’t sure if it was signaling a call or an alarm at first. Although she was relieved that Dotti hadn’t fallen back into her late-night pop quiz calls, Jax frowned when she saw that it was her uPeek app that had startled her awake. The camera had detected something moving on her front porch.
Her heart jumped a series of hurdles in her chest as her mind spun out. Am I in danger? What if my stalker’s out there right now? Should I call 911?
She waved the final idea away almost as soon as she thought it. Even if she called them, they’d likely arrive too late to track anyone. That, and the utter lack of care on the police officers’ faces during her last visit to the station was burned into her mind, a slack-jawed reminder that Jax was on her own.
Tiptoeing to the window by her front door, Jax carefully pulled the curtain up just enough so that she could peek outside without being seen. Her ragged breath fogged the glass, so she scolded herself to calm down and wiped the condensation away with her pajama sleeve.
Jax didn’t know what she’d been expecting. Maybe uPeek had detected a squirrel getting up to nocturnal mischief, or drunk kids had strayed off the nearby university grounds after a wild Rush Week party. But the absolute last thing she’d expected to see through her front window at 2am was the not-so-new guy wearing all black and hovering around her car.
Everything about this situation made Jax see red. No longer concerned for her safety, she unlocked her heavy front door and yanked it open. “What the hell are you doing at my house, Lore?” Never taking her eyes off him, Jax glared and fumbled for a nearby umbrella, just in case.
He stepped into the light, pursing his lips into a grimace and holding up his hands. Jax noticed that his fingers seemed to cast especially long shadows. “Wait. There is an explanation.”
“There better be!” Jax fumed, feeling more emboldened when her hand locked onto the Nightmare Before Christmas umbrella beside the front door.
His hands still palms-out, Lore took a step closer. “Look, Jax, you have been bothered by someone, yes?”
She whipped out the umbrella, aiming the tip at him. Bafflingly, the end was shaped like Jack Skellington’s skull, but Jax wasn’t afraid to use it for violence if Lore escalated things. “That’s close enough. I can hear you just fine from there.”
Lore stayed put, accepting her boundary but undeterred by it. “I know who it is.”
“Right now, it’s looking a lot like it’s you.”
“Not I. But I do know, at this time, he comes, so I am here to catch him in the—”
Jax brandished Jack Skellington at Lore, cutting him off and prompting him to take a step back. “And how would you know that he comes now if you weren’t also watching my house all night? How fucking weird is that?”
Eyes focused on the Jack Skellington tip aimed in his direction, Lore nodded. “All right. I am sorry. Just… be careful, please. Most people, they are not what they seem.”
As Lore turned and walked into the moonlit night, Jax watched his every move and frowned. What a bizarre thing to say. Of course most people aren’t what they seem.
When she felt sure Lore had gone, Jax exhaled heavily and closed the door. Before she could bolt it shut, she heard a jaunty series of knocks. A quick look through the peephole revealed that Brett was standing on the other side. Bewildered, Jax opened it again.
“Hey sweetheart,” he greeted her, beaming like he was picking her up for a date.
She shuddered at the pet name. “Brett? It’s late. Why’re you here?”
“Oh, I’m just checking on you. I thought I heard shouting.”
Despite the concern in his words, something about his smile made Jax feel uneasy. Her breath caught when she realized it was because there was no trace of a smile in Brett’s eyes.
“Really, everything’s fine.” Instinct prompted Jax to start closing the door. “Let’s talk about this tomorrow. I’ll text you, okay?”
Brett’s smile remained plastered on his face even after he jammed his boot into the shrinking space between her door and the frame. “I’d like to talk about it now.”
Jax flicked her hazel eyes down to his boot and then back up to his face. She dropped all pretense of politeness. “What’re you doing.” It was more of a warning than a question.
He leaned on the door, gradually pressing it inward so that Jax had to shove her bad shoulder against the door to keep him from succeeding. A razorblade of pain surged through her shoulder at the effort and alarms filled her mind when Jax realized she likely wouldn’t be able to prevent Brett from forcing his way inside.
Breathing hard as she continued to resist, Jax exhaled in disbelief, “It’s you. This whole time, it was you leaving me creepy notes. Lore was just trying to—”
His eyes blackened. “Why was Lore here? Have you two been hooking up behind my back?” Brett gave the door a final shove, causing another stab of pain in Jax’s shoulder as she lost the struggle and he started toward her.
However, Brett was only able to take one step. Shock quickly overtook his face as some unseen force vacuumed him out into the night. He scrambled to grab at her doorframe, but whatever had a hold of him was far stronger. Brett only managed a single yelp before he was gone. Once again, the night was silent.
Even though Jax knew she should be frightened, she found herself wrapped in the cozy cabin feeling again. Reassured, even. Taking a cautious step out onto her porch, she glanced around and whispered, “Lore?”
A few moments later, the man clad in black whom she knew as Lore stepped back into the light. The moon illuminated features of his that Jax hadn’t noticed before: high cheekbones, thick brows, a strong chin with stubble. Although he still stood a respectful distance away, Jax could smell campfire smoke from his direction.
“You are all right?” Lore asked. His deep voice was quiet and gentle, like the introductory rumble of an approaching thunderstorm.
Jax nodded slowly, but tears started streaming down her cheeks, betraying her. She managed to speak, but her voice cracked. “I can’t believe it was Brett.”
He studied her but didn’t move. “I am sorry.”
Digging the heels of her hands into her eyes to clear the tears away, Jax chuckled. “Sorry? You stopped him, right?”
Lore remained still, his intense gaze fixed on her. “Yes.”
Jax’s hands moved on their own. The door creaked open and inward. “Please stay.” Too quickly, she added, “In case he comes back.”
Once they were secured inside, Jax set her guest up with warm tea and some pillows and blankets so he could sleep comfortably on the couch. He let her fuss up to a point, but after she trotted out a space heater and a Netti pot, he assured her, “I am more than welcomed. You, you should rest.”
Without any tangible reason to linger in the living room, she gave in. “Thanks, Lore. G’night.” She felt pulled to turn around one last time, and when she did, she found that he was smiling softly at her. After returning it, Jax shut her door and put herself to bed.
That night, Jax had the dream about the large, hairy beast chasing her again. No matter how fast she ran, it was always faster. Every time its claws hit the dirt, it launched itself closer and closer to her footfalls. Once again, its claws emerged from the darkness, but instead of waking up, this time, Jax remained in the dream long enough to see the creature reveal itself. Although she was expecting it to look like a giant bear, or maybe even a grotesque with Brett’s face, Jax was surprised to watch it shift into the form of a man. When its transformation was complete, she saw thick brows, sharp cheekbones, and dark, endless eyes. It was clear then that the beast was, in fact, Lore.
Completely nude, the dream version of Lore strode confidently toward her and extended his human hand. She took it, and without a word, she knew what he wanted, and she knew that she wanted it, too. Now unclothed as well, Jax laid back on magically manifested blankets and timidly opened her legs. He knelt between them, gently hooking his toned arms underneath her knees and taking in every sight, scent, and taste before him.
Just then, another coil of pain welled up in her abdomen, and she found herself unable to prevent giving birth to another giant menstrual clot. Although Jax had a vague sense that she should be embarrassed, she felt no trace of shame. Instead, she watched in awe as Lore drew her closer, placed a soft kiss on her belly, and then devoured the clot with the ferocity of a starving animal.
This dream’s turn of events was so unexpected that it jolted Jax awake. It seemed impossible that she’d only slept for an hour and that it was still dark outside. Stranger still, despite the contents of her dream, she felt compelled to check on her guest.
When she returned to the living room, she saw that Lore was still awake, his eyes fixed in the direction of her bedroom. He’d removed his shirt to sleep, revealing a patch of dark, curly hair on his chest, but he was otherwise clothed. While he didn’t seem surprised to see her, Lore asked, “You are unable to sleep?”
Jax felt the answer to this question was obvious, so she instead asked the question burning in her mind. “What are you?”
Moving slowly and deliberately, Lore sat up and patted the spot on the couch next to him. “You may wish to sit.”
“That’s a concerning start.”
“Trust me?” He gazed up at her with those two deep wells that Jax had fallen into the moment she first looked into them.
Without making any promises, Jax sat as he requested.
“Everyone, they like different types of food, yes?” he began. “There are many things we eat, but some are more nutritious, and some are rare, exquisite delicacies.”
As he spoke, Jax tried to remember any time that she’d seen Lore eat at work. It seemed like he was always elsewhere at lunchtime, ostensibly taking a hard-to-schedule meeting or catching up on some project. She didn’t even recall him consuming a slice of his own birthday cake.
“So what does a… you eat?” she asked, trying to keep her voice steady.
He licked his lips, and then he locked his eyes onto hers. “That which you and I both know you produce now.”
“What.”
“It is the truth. Why, I will never know, but it is all I want.” He shifted closer to her, placing a large, long-fingered hand on her thigh. “Yours is all I want.”
Jax looked down at his desirous grip, and then she looked back up at him through her thick lashes. Her belly burned with a knowing anticipation that made her toes start to curl. In the faint moonlight streaming through a window, she thought she could see the tips of fangs protruding over his bottom lip. “Then what’re you waiting for?”
A smile equal parts delighted and wicked overtook his olive-skinned face. “Anymore? Not a thing.”
A frenzy of flesh and blood became one many times that night, with the creature that was Lore savoring every taste that Jax freely gave him. His tongue reached impossibly deep, every kiss prompting her to release everything she’d been holding back. Thanks to Lore’s unique palate, that was the first night since her transition began that Jax felt adored and satisfied, licked truly clean.
Saturday, December 21
On fire at work. Feeling more assertive so better at asking for what I want. Starting as UI lead on next Ovu-Great! app update. Working well so far. Helps to have an excellent sound designer for collab.
Restraining order finally came through for Brett. Didn’t need it, really. He’s too afraid to dare.
In PT for shoulder and seeing improvements. Started doing it in solidarity with Mom (her hip). She seems more stable, remembering things here and there. Visiting Dotti with Lore over the holidays.
Lore. Utterly content. Bring on the blood. If this is cougar puberty, I hope it never ends.
Alexandra M. Lucas (she/her) is a Game Writer II at Electronic Arts. She won the GDC Game Narrative Review Platinum Award twice and the 2022 Dark Sire Award for Psychological Realism for “In the Deep”, originally featured in HamLit‘s Spring Issue: Alter Ego. Her short stories have appeared in Coffin Bell Journal and Whatcom WRITES, and her poem, “Leftover,” won a 2020 Sue C. Boynton Poetry Merit Award. In 2023, she was named an IGDA Foundation Next Gen Leader, and her poem, “Water Like Honey,” was a 2025 Pushcart Prize nominee. Last October, Alexandra spoke at the Austin Film Festival on a panel entitled, “Inside the Making of Battlefield.”
Including “In the Deep” and “Water Like Honey“, Alexandra’s poetry and prose has been featured in many other HamLit season and solstice issues: “Hunger” in Special Issue ’25 After Dark, “Glow” in Special Issue ’24 After Dark, “The Other Side” in Winter Issue: No Man’s Land, “With You” in Summer Issue: Second Place, “Harmony” in Fall Issue: Golden Age, “Soldier’s Like Us” in Summer Solstice: Life Expectancy, and “Covenant” in Winter Solstice: Without Pause.